Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
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Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
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True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize