You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
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Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
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Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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