You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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