Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
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Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
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So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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