were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
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Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
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I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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