He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize