When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize