sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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