If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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