you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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