you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize