Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Its about making memories worth repressing
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize