just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
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Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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