Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
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she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
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I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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