I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
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I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
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