I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
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the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
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i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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