i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
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Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
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Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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