her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
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I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
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I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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