Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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