i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
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IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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