you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
organizing the empties. That sober.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
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I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
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party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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