The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
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If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
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Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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