Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
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My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
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It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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