Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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