I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
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