her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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