my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
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The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
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