Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
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New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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