I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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