My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
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I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
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