the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
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I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
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Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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