Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
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