my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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