I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
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He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
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you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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