Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
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I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
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Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
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