you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
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It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
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Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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