Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
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the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
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She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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