Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
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