hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
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Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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