as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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