I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
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i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
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They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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