My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
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She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
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My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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