why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
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I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
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eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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