someone get that fucking seahorse.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
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answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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