my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
True strength comes from lack of pants
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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