glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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