I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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