I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
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I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
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He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
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