I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize