I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
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my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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